life update 9/8/26
where the hell have you been?
so i haven't really used my website in awhile. again. tends to happen i dont know i just get burnt out with html i guess anywayyyy so ive been up to alot. with my new job ive been working alot, i get really only like 2 days in a week and thats the weekend but i also work saturday or sunday sometimes. i like my job for the most part its a good job and the pay is ok and its not like a fast food job or anything like that which i was dreading because i would kill myself if i worked at mcdonalds. its been nice feeling more independent and responsible for myself but its also been a bit of struggle. im not doing the greatest mentally
struggles
my mental health has been at an all time low. ive been feeling less and less happy and it feels like thats never going to change. i thought getting a job would like, take me out of the loop of highschool where its just wake up, go to school, come home, go to sleep. but its just the same thing again. the same repeating task with the little dashes of freedom i get on a holiday or a day off, but im so tired of it. i wake up everyday wondering when the day will be when i finally just give up, when i become some fat stupid recluse who stays in their room all day or i kill myself. thats another thing that worries me, my focus on suicidal tendacies recently. i fear death, its one of the things that if i let it come back into my mind it sends me into a small panic attack. yet i think about killing myself alot recently. for those worried about me though dont worry i wouldn't do it im too scared anyway i guess you can call me a poser or something
my anxiety has been pretty bad lately too, i had a meeting at work and since we're in busy season everyones been a little stressed out including my bosses, they told us if we're late on files someones getting fired because its unacceptable or something. but my brain is wired to believe im always the problem. that im the reason something went wrong, so hearing that i was practically freaking out inside my head and i started scratching at my hand with my pen. i did that for maybe a minute or two before i realized i was scraping the top of my skin off. it didn't even hurt. my lack of pain worries me. i think i need to talk to someone